To moms at the mall - 7/16/07

As I’ve been laid up for the last several days recuperating from knee surgery, I’ve had time to compose a fantasy letter to the moms at mall play areas.

Dear Moms,

I realize that malls and mall play areas are the refuge of stay-at-home-moms (SAHM) everywhere – an oasis in the desert of our lives of all kids, all the time. But I’m afraid that some of you are bad play-area citizens.

Moms, let’s review the rules.

1. Your kids are still your responsibility. There is no magical threshold at the play area entrance that makes them everyone else’s responsibility. The “it takes a village to raise a child” concept doesn’t apply to play areas.

2. If your head is lolled over to one side and you’re drooling, you’re not paying enough attention.

3. Play areas are not for big kids, they are for little kids. There is a reason that amusement park rides have a measuring stick at the entrance with a minimum “you must be at least this tall” requirement, don’t you think? Well there is a reason that there is a measuring stick at the play area entrance that says “you can’t be any taller than this”. Big kids and toddlers don’t mix.

4. Play areas are a great place for you to teach your kids some lessons about respecting others and thinking about their actions. The future directors of overcrowded juvenile detention centers will thank you for this.

5. If your kid even comes close to decapitating another, this may be a good indicator that you should get involved.

6. If you see behavior like that in number 5 and are too lazy or disinterested to do anything about it, have the decency to look away quickly when it happens. Better that the other moms think you are not paying attention.

7. Get off your cell phone.

8. If you are on the cell phone and another mother who doesn’t even know you has to catch your runaway kid or keep them from doing something dangerous, get off the phone and fake embarrassment. Don’t look irritated at the other mothers for interrupting you.

9. If your kid is 13-years-old and weighs more than you do, he’s too big for the play area.

Thanks,
Mary Jo, mom to the 1-year-old your kid almost gave a concussion to and the almost 2-year-old who was terrified at the mere presence of your towering giant