Letter to toy makers - 8/20/07

Dear Fisher Price and every other toy maker who makes it impossible to get the toys out of their packaging,

This has gotten out of hand. I know you’re worried about lawsuits and all that, but enough is enough. The toy only has seven parts and weighs 12 ounces for crying out loud – 34 twist ties, screws, pieces of tape and plastic is a bit much. I have come up with some warning / guidelines for assembly that I think you should add to your packaging.

Warning #1: Do not say to your kids, “Look what I have for you, honey!” until you have the toy successfully out of its package. Removing the 34 twist ties, screws, tape and plastic will take you at least 45 minutes and your kid will lose their mind if you dangle it in front of them and then withhold it for nearly an hour.

Warning #2: Do not attempt when children are present. We have designed this task to make even the purest of tongue cuss at least six times. Unless a) profanity is a regular occurrence in your house so it doesn’t matter anyway; or b) you want junior to drop an f-bomb on the first day of preschool, it’s better that they are out of the house.

Warning #3: Do not use alcoholic beverages or drugs while attempting to do this. You’ll need to save that for after you have freed the said toy and need some chemical relief.

Warning #4: Use great care with the industrial-strength twist ties that we insist on twisting at least 14 times. Once you’ve untwisted the ties, don’t try to yank them hard through the little holes on the box as you are likely to hit yourself in the face when they finally come through.

Warning #5: If you are wondering why we have attached each Little People characters on the circus train using five twist ties around both their necks and their feet, you obviously haven’t seen Toy Story. We simply can’t risk the liability of the toys staging any sort of revolt or adventure while in transit.

Stop the insanity, please!

Yours truly,
A frustrated customer